A Motorized Ottoman and Other Specialized Household Items

I like good solutions to household challenges. Take harvesting apples.

When we had a house, there was a lovely apple tree in the front yard. Every year it produced an amazing quantity of crunchy, sweet apples.

Problem: How do we reach the highest apples?
Solution: We used an apple picker.

Apple Picker

A balding male who attempts to act younger than his actual age. The person believes himself to be “Cooler” than he actually is, when in reality those around him see him as fruity, creepy, and in general avoidable. “Dude, get your hand off my leg you apple picker!”

Urban Dictionary.

No, we did not solicit the assistance of a gentleman behaving inappropriately for his age. We used an apple picker tool, which is a small metal basket on the end of a long pole. You basically grab high-up apples with the edge of the basket and trap them in the basket. It saves a visit to the emergency room, preceded by the use of a wobbly ladder.

We usually accumulated 20 or 30 grocery sacks of apples. The next challenge was to peel the apples prior to slicing, blanching, and freezing.

Problem: How do we peel so many apples?
Solution: Use an apple peeler.

Apple Peeler

Generally used to refer to a homosexual.

Urban Dictionary.

I had no idea this term existed. I suspect it’s derogatory, but I guess, technically, the Urban Dictionary definition may be on to something as I did operate an apple peeler tool. This is a splendid device that rotates an apple while a blade moves horizontally, removing a long, narrow strip of peel. It saved many hours of manual peeling, and possibly my wrists from repetitive injury.

We now live in a condo, so we no longer have much use for an apple picker or an apple peeler. However, our need for specialized household items is undiminished.

A Motorized Pouf

When we moved to our temporary rental condo, we got rid of much our stuff. It was just clutter, or not worth the expense of storage while we waited for our permanent condo to be built.

We will be moving to our new home shortly, so we have been ordering several pieces of furniture, including two armchairs with higher backs to support our necks. We are getting older.

The challenge has been finding a pouf that meets our needs and complements the armchairs. First, though, I need to clarify the meaning of the word “pouf.”

Pouf

A flamboyantly homosexual male.

Urban Dictionary.

The Urban Dictionary is a trash heap of derogatory terms for people who are gay. I fear in these days of rudeness and denial of people’s humanity in the guise of standing up to “political correctness,” these terms will come back to common usage. I profoundly hope not.

No, we were seeking something to put our feet on: an ottoman.

Problem: My partner’s feet are always cold, mine are always hot.
Solution: We share the same ottoman.

Finding an ottoman that would meet all our criteria turned out to be a lot of work. We needed an ottoman large enough for two sets of feet, but large ottomans are heavy, and would eventually leave a trail in the rug as we dragged it around.

We decided we had to think up crazy ideas. “What about a motorized ottoman?” Dwight suggested. It would position itself perfectly for the two of us, in response to voice commands and heat sensors.

So, I Googled motorized ottoman and was not surprised to get a number of hits. There are several options available on the market, including the Delta 2-Motor Lift HS Std-Ottoman. It claims “maximum safety” which, rather than reassuring me, got me a little worried. I really don’t want to be anxious about our ottoman.

I came across a serious academic paper published by the ACM (Association for Computing Machinery) titled: Mechanical Ottoman: how Robotic Furniture Offers and Withdraws Support. The paper describes experiments where unwitting subjects had to come to terms with remote-controlled ottomans.

Eventually we settled for a minimal, non-motorized ottoman that is currently scheduled for manufacture somewhere in Denmark. It will respond to voice commands, as in “Dwight, would you move the ottoman closer?”

But, What Other Problems Could We Solve?

My mind has been working overtime. I’ve been thinking of unmet needs, then going to Google in search of solutions.

Problem: It’s winter, no matter how often we wipe our feet, we still track sand into our home and onto the hardwood floors.
Solution: A Terra Universal motorized shoe cleaner.

This machine, made for industrial clean rooms, costs about $3,000. Maybe we’ll stick with a mat and a Dustbuster.

Problem: Making the bed.
Solution: A Smart Duvet self-making bed.

I find this solution even scarier than a motorized ottoman. What if this thing comes to life in the middle of the night and smothers us? I’ll stick with giving our duvet a good shake each morning.

Every time I think of a household problem, Google comes up with a solution. Eventually I did stump Google with a Smart Meat Grinder. It would come with a phone app you could use anywhere in the world to activate the meat grinder. I guess, even consumerism has its limits.